Shhhh...I'm in a Love Triangle

Scandalous I know. I am struggling with a dilemma I think many Christian spouses face. What role comes first, the Bride of Evan or the Bride of Christ?

See lately I have been experiencing some discouragement about my return trip to South Africa. This time around I feel more vulnerable, this time around I'm a mom, and this time around Evan isn't coming.

I had a very transparent and uplifting conversation with a dear friend I work with who serves in many ways as a spiritual mentor. It became very clear to both of us through the conversation that many of my fears and doubts would probably be erased if Evan were coming on the trip. She told me as we were speaking it was almost as if the Holy spirit was telling her heart "Will I not be there? Am I not enough? Do you not trust me to protect you? Do you honestly feel safer with your husband than ME?"

I think its fair to say that a lot of times our love with our spouse seems more tangible. Our human nature causes us to rely on what is most easily understood. But when I look at my spouse as a gift from God, as a creation of God, and someone He created with our union in mind ...well then all of a sudden I am able to worship and trust God in a whole new way. Every good and perfect thing is from Him, right? If I love and trust my spouse, how much MORE should I love and trust the One who created him?

Part of me envies how blindly I stepped out in faith two years ago. I knew much less about South Africa, and had never been. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was called there. I know without a shadow of a doubt I am to return. Here I am, two years later, and I am more equipped than before. But I have allowed fear to creep. Will I trust my first love? The one true Bridegroom?

We've all heard that the best way to love our spouse is to love God more. But we must grow and cultivate that relationship. It is a courtship, even more so than with our spouse. God is beckoning us to get to know Him, He is wooing us to spend time with Him. What I have learned this week is I clearly need to spend more time in God's word and in prayer in fellowship with Him.

Just as I am ready to knock the door down to see Evan and McKinley after a long day, God is even more eager to spend time with me and He longs for me to desire Him also. Will I respond to Him?

I'll end with this image I saw on pinterest a few years ago, and I have always loved it. The ultimate love triangle!